With a Little Help From My Friends

«They say home is where the heart is, 

But my heart is wild and free.»

Two days ago, I found myself crying. At first I wasn't too sure what I was crying about (one of the perks of being an emotional wreck...), but soon after I realized the answer was quite simple - I missed my family and my friends. It was a strange feeling, not because I had never missed them before, but because I never thought it would hit me this hard, this early on. So, much like in a bad movie, I did the responsible thing (but really, the only thing I could do): I went through some of the pictures I have with the people I love, while I listened to sad songs and cried my heart out. And I knew I wanted to write a post about it, because not only would writing about it help me, but hopefully it could help someone out there who has moved and is currently far away from home. 

I'm fortunate enough to be living with my boyfriend and his lovely family, who have always treated me so kindly. I couldn't have asked for a better welcome into Sweden. I truly care for them and am so thankful for all their efforts. Despite this, I still feel really lonely for most of the time. These are the people I see every day - basically the only people. I have a good friend in the city, but because we live just outside of it, I don't get to see him often. We talk online all the time (as I do with people back home), and yet it's not the same. Other than him and a few of my boyfriend's friends, I don't know a single soul here. And since I'm not working or studying Swedish yet, I don't have contact with anyone else. Let me tell you, as much as you may love the person you're in a relationship with, it's not healthy to practically have them as your sole company. Anything you want to do, you'll either end up doing it with him or alone. I love spending time with him and doing things together, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it can become a bit overwhelming. Besides, it doesn't seem fair that they suddenly have this added responsibility. I'm well aware that right now I'm very dependent on my boyfriend, so until I can do more things on my own, I'll do my best not to burden him too much. 

I guess you can call this next section some sort of hindsight realization that will be particularly useful if you happen to be in a long-distance relationship. Hang in there, it will get better. But the entire point is, it will also hurt no matter what. Unless the person you love moves to where you live, there's no way you can win. We will always lose a part of us. If you've read any of my previous posts, you'll be aware of how my life always seems to find a way to be filled with irony; well here it comes. For almost six years, I longed for the day when I was finally going to move out and be with my boyfriend. It was all I could focus on, the big goal at the back of my mind. Most of the decisions I made were to put me one step closer to this. Now that I found myself on this side of the screen (for good), I realized what my silly little self hadn't stopped to consider during all those years: instead of missing one person, I'm now missing a bunch of them. Instead of wondering how the weather is in Sweden, I find myself picturing the comforting, warm sun in Lisbon and how it would feel to soak in it. Suddenly, instead of craving Swedish sweets, I miss my mother's cooking and some of my favorite dishes from the variety of restaurants I had close to my apartment. We can never win. Only if all the people we love manage to be in the same place, at the same time. Though in these situations, it doesn't seem very plausible.

Of course I don't want to sound like a complete idiot. Obviously I was aware that once the situation changed, I would be far away from my family and I would be missing them instead. But it's impossible to completely understand what that means until it happens. My brain wouldn't have comprehended it, even if present me jumped into a time machine, went back a few years and spelled it out for past me - it's just not convincing enough. When we're in that mindset, our entire being is telling us to move forward because we just want to be with the person we love. I'm not in any way saying I regret my decision, nor do I have any alternative suggestions...If we're in a long-distance relationship, something is bound to happen so you can finally be together. But faced with this harsh reality (that was also surprising to me too), I wanted to portray it in a realistic way. Yes, being together is great and it solves part of your problem, but it also encompasses missing everything and everyone else. And I don't think many people consider or even talk about this very important, often forgotten part of long-distance relationships.

As I mentioned in my first post, I had always pictured myself living abroad. But nothing could've prepared me for this, especially since I thought I would be living much closer to Lisbon than I actually am. Right now, I'm at least two planes away, so basically one day of travelling from everyone I love. It feels a bit scary. What I try to do is think of them, focus on the amazing memories I have and cherish them as best as I can. I'm so lucky to have incredible people in my life, no matter how far. And I daydream of when I can finally visit them (ironic, since before all I could daydream about was moving here...), hopefully towards the end of the summer. It's a big lesson to learn. Treasure what you have, even when it feels too small or as if it's not what you need. You might miss it later, even if you were so convinced you wouldn't.

So this post is for giving thanks. Being thankful about the fulfilling life I had back home, one I was so quick to disregard as something I didn't want. And most importantly, to the friends and family that have made my life (wherever I am) so much better. Here they are (family picture at the beginning of the post):

Me and my friend Ana (Singing Buddy) during a street festival. I call her that because we love singing together and having jamming sessions

Me and my bestest friend Rita (the one who came with me to Sweden!) during another festival. She's one of my favorite people on earth and I couldn't live without her

Me and (yet another) Ana, my oldest friend. We met in primary school and have been like sisters since the 5th grade

 

Me and my eldest brother Diogo on my birthday (we do fun and silly things together and our pictures portray that incredibly well)

Me and my other brother, Miguel (we also do lots of silly stuff and always look stupid during out photos)

From the left: my eldest brother, his fiancée (Vanessa) and me during New Year's Eve

Last, but not least, my adorable guinea pig - Orianna