Lift-off

«Door number two, I've already gone through. 

I wanna see what's behind door number three...»

Spring is upon us, much like anywhere else on the top half of the world. Here, that means the sun is getting warmer, but not nearly there yet. All the ice and snow are melting away (although the fields are still almost completely white), creating little streams of water in the most inconvenient places. But they're also not melting fast enough, which means the ground is still slippery, muddy and wetter than ever! Some days are amazingly sunny, the sky of a pure, deep blue, which makes me ache for proper spring to come: being able to go outside and enjoy the sun on my skin (without wearing a massive jacket, which is currently how I can attempt to do that) and feeling the green grass under my feet. But other days are cloudy and grey (it even snowed a little yesterday) and the setting around me looks incredibly brown, dirty and dreary. It's hard to define which season it actually is when my brain has to process such opposite cues...

I forgot to mention that spring here arrives with a fun little bonus - you might call them devilish winds. I for sure do. They are icy cold and so strong, I fear the house might blow away when its sweeping roar makes the woods creak and the trees outside dance violently. However, the shift in the air goes beyond the winds, it's bigger than that. I see crows flying high in the sky, probably awoken after their winter slumber. They have been circling around which has made me wonder if there's something dead in the woods, perhaps an animal gone from old age. The ground underneath the snow has started to resurface as well, but everything looks dry, stiff and lifeless. It makes me think that this is what this season is exactly about - the balance between light and darkness, new life and death. That is the course of nature and we can't rush it, as much as we'd like to. What brings me comfort is knowing that in a few months, everything will be green and prosperous once more.

With the changing landscape outside, it's inevitable to consider all the things moving within me. The resemblance is striking and it's difficult not to give into the temptation of drawing a parallel between the barren ground and myself: currently stifled, but slowly coming back to life. Nature's transformation moves me and kick starts my own. I feed off it and try to use it to move forward, to help my growth. I've been feeling many things, but some are hard to describe. I've been having many thoughts, but they are difficult to contain because they never settle down. I knew I wanted to write this post, but struggled with it for days. I dwelled long and steadily in search of the words. They bubbled beneath the surface, but I couldn't reach them. I was somehow mimicking the uncertainty of the weather, and it was starting to frustrate me. 

And then, just like that, life finds a way to nudge us along in the right direction. I don't believe in fate, but things usually manage to work out just fine if we keep ourselves open. The universe is big enough for anything to come back around. In the moments when I feel most lost, something always happens. and eventually I find a bright beacon to light my way. This time it was someone very familiar to me, my favorite artist. Sara Bareilles is an outrageously talented singer and song-writer, whose songs are bursting with wisdom and beautiful, heart-breaking words. She just released a new album and in it, I found my little bubble. It felt like coming home after a long absence. The melodies felt sweet and honest and after a while, it's like you never left. The truths that have always made sense to me and moved me deeply were still here. And so was I, ready to embrace them. It was the gentle reassurance I hadn't known I needed. 

With her indirect help, I realized I needed to let the floodgates open and just let go of all the things I had been holding onto unintentionally. I need to become unafraid to be vulnerable, to be (fully) honest with myself. Because during one of many silent dialogues with my mind, I discovered that even though I had tried to deal with my emotions, some of them were buried deeper. They found a way to escape and run farther away without my supervision - the most dangerous kind. Yes, I've been feeling anxious for the longest time. Yes, I'm scared of a lot of things even if I try to brave on. But there's nothing wrong with being afraid, what matters is what we do with that feeling. Sara's words showed me that I had made the right choice, because fear can be a great teacher and we can take the most fulfilling sort of lessons out of it. If coming here was this frightening, it could only mean I'm where I'm supposed to be, because it means I'm learning and growing and taking risks. I didn't take the easy path, something I've always been proud of doing. I knew the type of safe options I had back home, behind "door number two", but I wanted more and decided to take the leap and venture into "door number three". I wanted to explore where this one would lead me and that is the reason why I'm here today. There is no right or wrong road, there are only the decisions we make along the way. Because of this, I grew aware that this moment right now is an adventure, an unique experience that is shaping my life as we speak and therefore, I should never regret trying. I need to stop being so scared about it and just enjoy the ride, no matter how bumpy it may be.

So her words inspired me, they uplifted me. They reminded me, once again, of the things I was already starting to disregard. All the things that deep down I know and that make me who I am. I must keep reminding myself of them. I can do more, I can do better than this. I can be more thankful, more generous, more forgiving towards myself. It might sound silly, because it seems like something so easy to do...but it's actually really hard to keep a positive outlook and to stay hopeful in the face of adversity. We might be determined to stay impervious to all the obstacles, but with the passing of daily life you'll find yourself back where you started without even noticing. And this is why we can't forget about who we are or what is important. If we can focus on the positive things surrounding us (like the promise of a blooming spring) and we take the good from the bad, we will always find our way.

This lead me to believe that this phase of my life is going to bring out the best in me, even if the bad occasionally floats by as well. I've been stripped away of many things, like my independence. But not of my spirit. For now, that's all I need to know.