Down the Rabbit Hole

«Don't stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos»

The week started and I...simply had no idea what to write about. Two weeks ago I had started composing a neat little text in my head about how Spring was in full bloom and how many relaxing outdoor activities I was getting to do. I hadn't known how living in the countryside could be so much hard work, but the fact is there are always things to do with the turn of the weather and I was thoroughly glad to get a realistic sense of what it was like to live here during these months. We brought out the hammock, the deck and the chairs to go on it, but it was necessary to oil it in preparation. So I did it and I fully enjoyed getting my hands dirty doing something so practical, under the sun. Someone had to rake all the gravel stones from the lawn, there due to all the shoveled snow we took from the driveway during the winter. I did that happily, slowly making it look better and better every day. The strawberry bushes needed to be cleaned from all the dead leaves and parasitic growths, so I volunteered to start on that enormous task. It was a joyous moment for me to be on the patch, on my knees, working hard to make something happen and help life thrive, even if my body ached on the next day. But like it always happens, the weather changed yet again, and with it, so did I. 

I was eager to report that the turmoil within me had subsided, that even though it didn't completely go away (I don't think it ever will), I was feeling much more at peace. I was content to be outdoors enjoying the sun, the wind and all the tasks that needed to be done. But they had to be put on hold because it started to rain. And then, the snow was back. It was very light snow that quickly melted away because of the plus temperatures, but it was still demoralizing to look outside and see snowflakes falling from the sky. So very abruptly, I was transported from this sunny season to, at the very least, a considerably cold Autumn (which the portuguese in me would consider a full-blown winter, but never mind that). I was even forced to bring out my trusty beanie and my winter pants because although the temperatures were positive, the impossibly icy cold winds came back to spoil our fun.   

Since then, the skies have been mostly grey (with a few sunny moments) and it keeps drizzling intermittently. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy this cozy weather very much because it makes me feel safe and sheltered, summoning up memories of afternoons spent reading snuggled up with a blanket and warm tea. I love going outside and smelling the fresh, faint scent of rain, soil and grass mixed together. These are some of my absolute favorite things, but at the same time I don't think it's what I needed right now. It's just not in the right timing with what my brain knows as the usual flow of time. The nice weather was lifting me up, helping me get out of this slump I was in and now it's more difficult to do so. 

There's something about waking up to find a lovely day outside my window that just filled me with energy. Without it, I was again grasping at anything solid I could hold onto. Some days I feel fine, I'm perfectly happy to be here and I barely feel the need to go outside. I still like it, but it's just not the same as before, especially if it's cold. But on other days, it feels like the world comes crashing down on me and all my old worries come flooding in. I feel trapped, I wish for the bustle of the city, to see people around me, to be able to do whatever I want, without needing anyone else's assistance (my independence). During those moments, everything else seems much worse than it normally is. I miss my family and friends more, I miss the food, the places, walking around freely in my beloved Lisbon. In those dark, crushing moments, I kind of resent that I can't have any of that because I am here. It doesn't help that I'm also constantly worried about money and how I'm living on my savings, literally all that I have in the world, because there is no prospect of a job or income for me. On these days, I feel really low. I cry and struggle and just wish to fall asleep so all the thoughts in my head quieten down, so I can breathe again. 

Fortunately I have the best boyfriend in the world, who always tries so hard to make me feel better and to smile, even if he doesn't fully understand all this insane and overwhelming hurricane of emotions and thoughts. He always wants to make me happy, so I know that it's hard on him to see me like this. Which in turn usually makes me feel even worse, guilty, ungrateful. But I can't change what I feel, that I know for sure. So I do my best to go through these feelings, take what I can from it and try to make my peace with them. I try to be strong and hold my ground, so he doesn't have to worry so much about me. We're in this together, so I want him to be happy too. There are good days and there are bad days. There are even great days, when I feel completely glad and grateful to be here, when there is no shadow of a doubt in my mind that this is where I should be. I just wish that feeling could be more certain in times of need. 

Even at my lowest, when I question everything and fear for the future, there is a tiny part of me that is ready to believe. His positivity and optimism rub off on me a little and I dare to believe that in some way, it will all work out. I'm cautious by nature and I've grown quite cynical towards Sweden and the treatment I've been getting here, but a small glimmer of hope manages to crawl its way into me and I picture what my life here could be like. And I have to admit, I really, really like what I see. I just need a chance. I'm beyond ready for it. 

But if the sun can work against the dark, rainy clouds to come out and greet us in this turn of the season, I believe I can do it too. I'll be able to climb out of this hole where I've been hiding recently and I'll continue fighting for what I want, because that is what I do. No matter how many times I fall down, I will always try to get back up again. So surely, if I keep at it long enough, one of these days I won't have to fall so many times in order to do it. And then, I will know that I've won. It sure will be sweet...

[Note: after writing and editing this post, I went outside to walk our dog and was happy to see the sun shining once more. There are still some clouds in the sky that hide it from time to time, but it was a relief to see it. Maybe the universe is sending me a sign that I'm on the right track...!]